sit me in a silent office for four hours and i start singing to myself. having already sung in the shower, and in anticipation of a concert later on, as well as the sheer fact that spring is on it's way, my mind wazed rather verbous. the results are as follows and, as always, it's a first draft, so criticism is welcome.
i can't read music
i don't know notes, theories, or keys
still, i can't seem to contain
this strange rhythmn
so i sing it in the shower
i wash it down the drain
the water knows my passions
but my secret's safe behind the bathroom door.
i wish i knew their lessons
i wish i understood, but i don't
at times my heart longs to share
but it's a foreign game to me.
so i sing it in the shower
i wash it down the drain
the water knows my passions
but my secret's safe behind the bathroom door.
base and treble
time and tempo
all elude me
i just want to sing.
one day i'll learn and raise my voice up to the sky
but for now i'll save it for the shower
where my feeling is just mine
i lather up in music
rinse myself in song
it pours down my head and body
and i bid it so long
2 comments:
I like the words, but I can't quite see the rhythm. It paints a pretty good visual image for me. I'd like to hear it with the music attached.
Like Collin, I can't quite catch the rhythm. Also, the third stanza just doesn't catch my interest. I'd almost like to see you put the "base and treble" stanza in its place and cut it out. (On that note, though, did you mean "bass"? Or did you actually intend to write "base"?)
The "raise my voice up to the sky" bit is a bit cliche, but I don't know what to replace it with. It is a really long line, though, so there are tons of things that could take its place.
I really, really like the last stanza, but the sudden rhyming that comes in seems a bit forced and doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, in my opinion. But I LOVE the "lather up in music/rinse myself in song."
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