it's too early in the morning to go into spanish mode. i nearly was there when i saved myself at the brink. but anyway...
wow. it's been nearly a week since the last post put i up and yet i am still at a lack of words. nauvoo was great, but the cliff notes that i wrote on that were a page long and that's boring. so we'll forego that shall we? but there still needs to be stuff here, so here's a poem that came to me yesterday midst my dilerium. please feel free to fix what needs to be fixed (mavis, marcus and b-ball boy [if he's still alive] this means you!).
Phoenix
Pained, the creature
once beautiful, now lies in sickly decay
waiting for Death
consumed in flame
it waits
ashes glow and ebb
Still Silence
Hope leaves.
But,
from Death creeps Life
and rises
forgotten, it grows
inexplicably strengthened
Magnificent, the creature
Takes Flight
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23 comments:
Your choice on capitalization is intriguing. I like it. I'm not really in editor mode, so nothing really strikes me as wrong. Besides, it's poetry. When I write poems I make mistakes on purpose. Poetry is just hard to edit.
I'm with Fausker, I also found your capitalization patterns very creative. Also as with Mavis if I make mistakes in poetry it's usually on purpose because it's poetry. It's nice and descriptive. The only thing I could really say is not descriptive enough--what kind of picture do you wish to paint?
that's my probolo! *sigh* que va. i just really liked the idea of the phoenix. it's all sickly and dying, then it bursts into flames, burnes to ashes and you think that it's the end of the poor bird, But! out of the ashes is born the new bird! intriguing thought and kind of inspirational. plus i was sick so...
any help on being more descriptive would be deeply apreciated. danka!
Bluebird, it's spelled danke, FYI. Just soes ya know.
Well, try showing us what happens. Like, don't tell us about the magnificant splendor that comes from the rebirth of a phoenix. Anyone can tell a story about a phoenix. You are a poet--and what's more, you are Rebecca Cooper. You're too good for that. You can show the rebirth. That's a poet's job: to show. An author is supposed to take the right sentences and put them in the right order. A poet is supposed to take the right words and put them in the right order. Try this: write a paragraph or so describing what you can see. Then go back, take all the best words, and write a poem by putting those words in the best order.
hmmmm, whatever marcus, i'll give it a go. i'm not really peotic at the moment though. more like, full of mesquite chicken and oozing the fragraance. :) i love good food!
For the record, bb boy is alive.
Can I edit? Or is that too cruel (ask Marcus for horror stories)?
oh yes! please do! i love feedback. i just specified the ones i did because i know that they will give constructive return. i just get frustrated when people don't have the pluck to really pick my work to pieces which i know that these guys will.
hey quote of the day: "sometimes i think that sanity is just a passing fad. a man could go quite mad!"
Well, I do get quite picky. (I can see Marcus nodding vigorously.) The problem is, I'm out of the country now, and I've already lost my grip on the English language. Sad, but true. So, I doubt that I can be of much help right now... For instance, yesterday I was trying to tell my brother that I hoped that he wouldn't remember what he was trying to remember. Instead of saying, "I hope you stay oblivious!", I said, "I hope you stay in your state of oblivion!" Two quite different things. Well, maybe when I regain the language... Right now, I'm quite horrid.
Well, I suppose that I really must testify of Amaya's wondrous editing skills. But anyway, I hope I helped. It's a good excercise to get some flowing juices other than fragrances of mesquite chicken. Or however you spell it. :)
Okay, I feel like I can do some constructive criticism right now.
I actually quite like it. The capitalization is, indeed, intriguing. But I do think that it is a little inconsistent. Specifically, I'm referring to whether or not to capitalize the first word in each stanza. Specifically, do you really want to capitalize "But"? I do have some suggestions as to the capitalization elsewhere, but that is more of an opinion thing.
The biggest issue I have is one that's more of a personal opinion. I don't think that you've done all you can do with chosing where to break the lines and the stanzas. These are your words:
Phoenix Pained, the creature once beautiful, now lies in sickly decay waiting for Death consumed in flame it waits ashes glow and ebb Still Silence Hope leaves.But, from Death creeps Life and rises forgotten, it grows inexplicably strengthened Magnificent, the creature Takes Flight
I think that a lot of the power of this poem could lay in how you place those words. Where you place your spaces and breaks decides how it is read. I think that although what you have done is good, you could do better with dividing it into stanzas/lines.
But that's something that is a personal opinion. Maybe you have a meaning I didn't get... It could easily be me.
Anyway, I hope that helped.
Well, if you'll notice, Becca doesn't capitalize anything when she types. Most of her poems are e.e. cummings style. Her capitalizing anything means it's very, very important to the message. I don't quite know why she capitalized But, but (oops) I think it might have to do with indicating a small ray of hope in the midst of desolation. It's kind of like how, when you are describing a really crummy day, you will almost be through and say, "BUT...I got to go get ice cream right before bed." It's bringing extreme attention to the exception. Of course, capitalizing that could have been a mistake and I'm just making stuff up.
I do agree with you on the spacing thing. Now that you mention it, it could be better.
mavis wins. it was the hope. i think. as for spacing, i'll work on that. i haven't really been in poetic mood lately, so it's hard. maybe i should take a nap, that always helps. but i have a lot to do today. clean my room, organize, study scriptures, volunteer application, and doing something about the upstairs bathroom. the mirror is getting foggy and it's grossing me out. i was going to watch the batman trilogy with smiley, but my brothers didn't wake me up. grr. :P
Well, let us see any revised versions you may create. Personally, I hate redoing my poetry -- no matter how crappy it is. Once in a while, I'll revise a song. Longer works, however, I'll often never be finished with. Just the way I am...
Guess what! I have been inspired to once again pick up the dying ember of the Telethren and try to finish the chapter I'm on! After that point, I have rough drafts already written for the next three chapters! Yay for writing. Now let's see if I'll actually go through with it. Currently, I have to get off the compy so my little bro can check his email. :P
supplies! yay! i like the telethren! that makes my heart do a little dance with my kidneys! i shall endevor to revise and anxiously await the revised telethren.
Amaya is picky, ain't she?!
Not really, Preston. Not this time. Poor Marcus, though -- I must have crushed him in junior high. The sad thing is, I probably was wrong 70% of the time... Oh well! He's still alive, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
or could just emotionally scar you and put you into a lifetime of therapy sessions.
nah, she's not all that picky. i really do like critisizm. especially when i write essays and articles more, but i haven't written one for a while. any assignments from anyone? i want to write an editorial, but i can never give myself topics. i need to sharpen my pencil that hasn't been used since may.
Uh, write an editorial on wheter it is wiser to spend money helping prevent terrorism or fighting world hunger, or something. I don't know. And I do get picky, but I only do so on hard copies. I also have to be in the editing mode...
i already did an article like that. it was entitled "spanish vs. french". knowing me, and linguistics, it's not even a question as to who came out on top.
I don't know if you're still reading comments on here, but my suggestion is that you do an article on the conflict of split infinitives. Some editors are beginning to accept them, while others remain hefty sticklers and refuse. I personally find the middle ground and say that whatever preserves fluency is allowed (FYI, a split infinitive is like "to boldly go" or "to quickly run." The adjective splits the infinitive in two. My supervisor at work and I were discussing this last night).
ANYWAY, I have found (with my recent reading of the first six chapters of the latest creation of the Lindon Folk [I said "of the" a lot right there] that I have reached a new level of editing. While the author had puctuation issues that attracted much of my attention, I edited a lot of style points too. I was happy. ^_^ The paper was COVERED in red marks. Hee hee hee! I believe I showed the bluebird these explosions of ink. I was amused for two weeks with that.
well, i'll have a large chunk of time on my hands, so i'll see what i can come up with.
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