shoebox philosophy

i've been kind of philisofical today. not for any real reason that i can see, just am. it always surprises me when i tone down the energy, step back and look at things. i think that it's the rain. if it were sunny then i'd be out goofing off, but the grey clouds and wet everything make you think. probably cause i fell out of like(more like slid, kind of like sliding into first, but out of love instead. does that make sense?) how do things stablitize so much as you get older? do they even? it seems like it woul have to, but everyone says stuff like that to you from the age of 4 on, and i can't see that it has really. if anything life has become less stable as i spend more time trudging through its goopy goop. adolecence is a very unique time if life. biologically you're at a point of chemical chaos and major formation of mind, body and sould. yet it's at this time that not just learning becomes intense, but decisions aswell. you form your personality, social bonds, and pretty much lock yourself into a road that you want to follow for the rest of your life. that's really scary when you think that one minute you can't get enough of something and the next if you never hear of it again it will be too soon. i heard the phrase once that someone was "scared to being." that's kind of how i am. i don't feel like i can really trust myself at such a formative time. i'm terrified of doing something wrong that will mess up this life and maybe after. i try so hard to be good, but i still find myself doing things that i regret and want to take back. *sigh* i need a spiritual booster shot. maybe i'll go to the temple with smiley and doug tomorrow. i can nap after school, plus at this point the scholastic enviornment is recessing to the back burner for a while. i need to talk to matthias and see about applying some places with him. it's less intimidating to apply with a friend to make sure you don't go yellow or get eaten; one of the two.