happy newt ears!

wow. time goes super fast. it's hard to believe that joseph and amanda have been married for a year now, second semester is almost over, and that I'm Seventeen, sooner than not to be Eighteen. i'm not so sure that i like this. i know that there is a lot to look forward to in the future, and that there's no way of going back or even sitting still in the river, but it's a scary thought. i'm going to be classified as an "adult" in a few months. no more getting away with murder. *sigh* what ever will in do with all that extra arsenic? like, my sister jokes about pawning all the guys that she's just not attracted to off on me. we were talking and we both know that it wouldn't really work because, well, they're in a totally different social situation than i. but then we realized that in 18 months i land in the same pot. and as i'm headed to the Y this fall...maybe i'll hide under my desk.
but whatever the future holds, i guess that i my only choice is to tie up my hair take it head on. good thing i have you guys. Happy 2006 everyone, and good luck. we're gonna need it.

it's my baby!!

so, i came home after breakfast and there were lights on and people in the front room. at 7:20. early this morning (the one morning that i wasn't in bed asleep..) we got a call from my brother and his wife. his name is derek, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my baby. now there are two of them! :D

in order to avoid my ems

homework is one of the last things i want to do at the moment, even though i have it oozing out my eyeballs. so instead, the world wide web will be blessed by the drippings from the turkey of my mind. dig in.
so, Christmas yesterday was pretty rad. as the Eve drew to a close and we sang, read stories and talked with the family, it finally started to feel like Christmas. i think that the movie (white Christmas. Excellent movie!) and the candle burning on the table helped. sunday morning, instead of being burst in upon at 5 am, i arose to my piano hymns and just stayed in bed for a while, thinking about Sunday, the Gospel, and Christmas. good combo. the chior program was pretty awesome, and since nancy had church at twelve and the others had other stuff around that time too, we didn't end up opening presents until around 2. jason was starting to twitch. it was fun though, just everyone's expressions, the paper flying, and baby's excitement about presents that weren't even his.
as for me, i got KIWI CHAPSTICK, the Complete Lewis Carroll Collection, a whole Ton of love, and my little familia has grown so that it no longer fits withing the bounds of my pet net. i recieved a moose, a cow, a little fruit bat, and --a really ugly pig, a porcupine, an ostrich, a tarantella, a scorpion, and a camel--(all hand puppets). they're hangin' out under my bed at the moment. it makes me laugh.
oh! and My elder called!! i've decided that he has the best voice ever. i sat on the phone downstairs and nobody thought to go down there, so i got to listen the entire time! I Miss that boy A LOT. i'm excited for next Christmas.

alice

there's a part in the first book where alice is following this talking white rabbit. it's a little bizarre and she doesn't really know why she's following him, though she knows that she probably shouldn't. as she later says, "i give myself very good advice, though i very seldom follow it." well, eventually this hare leads her into a hole and she falls down a very long, bizarre shaft. to paraphrase, she's been shafted by the white rabbit.
i got shafted by my talking rabbit today for the first time. i'm wondering where the story goes from here. i'm thinking that i lose the trail for a while and get a little wrapped up in my own wonderland for a while, but i don't know. i guess that i'll find out as the story progresses.
i often feel a little bit like alice. not just that part in particular, but the general randomity and confusion that are the stories surrounding her. it's not that the chaos is really that harmful to her; it's very amusing at times. but the story is more than a little haphazard and the implications behind the madness are often subtle. it's not your average story. i like it though. it's always been one of my favorites. and like alice, i'm curious to see what's going to happen next.
not the average Christmas post, but if you think about it, she does have an underlying plot that she unknowingly fulfills, she's really safe the entire time, and in the end she wakes up. that's my correlation, however slim. it hasn't felt like Christmas all december anyway. Happy Christmas anyway. I Love You All. Thank you for being my friends. Y'all are the Best!

to be continued, edited, revised and all that jazz later

'pon morningtide the bell did toll
to rise me from my bed
refusing, in response i roll
my tongue within my mouth it lolls
and i rest my weary head

as this might seem a little shellish,
this extra time to take
the situation i'll embellish
and i say with royal relish
I'm on my Christmas break!

soapbox of sorts

sorry, this is longer than i really meant it to be, and it's difinately biased.i'm such a dork.
so, my chem teacher, zach, invited all his students to come to his church's Christmas presentation thingamabober. so, i figure, i could use some culture and so i went over there with frog boy in tow. he's a good person to go with last minute. i think that he has about as little a life as i do, so he works when other weird busy people are.. well, busy. Anyway, moving onward...even just walking into the church was odd. it was the evangelical one across from the high school. they have a book store and advertizements for stuff all over. and the nursery had a keyrack like the one at the quarry. not sure what that was for. oh, and everyone was wearing casual clothes. almost scroungry street clothes. well, they started out with a childen's choir (no prayer) that was singing and dancing like you would see at a school Christmas performance, and all the words to all the songs were projected onto two screens at the front of the room. then the adult choir got up and did the same thing, only complimented by a set of drums and some electric guitars. they had some skits about Christmas cards and letters and how because Jesus was The Word, he was God's voicebox running around as a person and was really God's Christmas letter to us. and how God can't talk to us and we can't really know what God would say to us individually or even collectively today, but if he could then let's give some examples of what he might say. and they read off different introductions (dear Independant, dear Guilty, dear Afflicted, dear Dependant...apparently abby vanburan has taken over the position of God now) with letters attached that represented a God that was not the one that i thought existed. he didn't sound like a Father at all. maybe that got lost somewhere when he was telling Dependant that he should try and kick his addiction this Christmas on go to church once again, even though that's what he tried last year and there was really no hope because he was hooked.
it didn't seem to take long into the presentation before i was coughing and had a headache. with the last song, the minister thanked us for coming and hoped that we had felt good and heard the Lord's voice (i thought that he couldn't talk to us), and shooed us away for cookies and coffee. we skipped out and made for the car. all in all i guess that it was okay, but it wasn't for Sunday and it didn't uplift or really inspire me at all. to me, it didn't seem to fill the function of a church activity.
i remember when we went to the RLDS church in Nauvoo that it was really weird and didn't make sense there either. i know that i'm very uni-cultured so anything different is weird. but still, i didn't really like it. my head still hurts from the drums and the undulating projector thing. so i will off to bed and try to do well on my chemistry test tomorrow. i wish that the youth Christmas fireside was next week instead of last, i would invite zach.
and as a quick post script, for those of you following the drama, i relapsed. yes, i like ryan again. what do i do? why is he so easy for me to like? it's different, but...ARG! i'm such a sucker. i do still like elder federson too though, but he's a missionary (ahaha! not forever though!). and ryan'll be a missionary in, what, four months? i know, i know, goosechild. i'm going to bed.

dizzy lizzy

i want to go to school. i miss it. even just in two days i've missed so much. i'm going tomorrow. with everything that i have in me i'm going to go. i feel so worthless. :, one thing that was funny that happened, well, it's funny when it's over, was the dream i had last night. i was taking the chemistry test that was today and it was forever long. every time that i did a page of problems i would count to see how many pages i had left and it never got any shorter. in addition, the problems had serious issues. like trying to prove a nonexistant fact using and indirect or direct force. i didn't understand any of it and it was all free response. as the last kick in the pants it took mavis like ten minutes to finish. as she was leaving she said, "well, i had trouble on one or two of them, but overall i felt pretty good about it." eventually i was the last person in the room. it was so Hot. i was dripping on my papers. this went on foever and it was so stressful. yeah, i know, i'm a geek. and i woke up to some crazy cowboy yelling in my ear. my pillow had shifted and bumped to volume up really high. i still don't know why it was on a country station. i thought that i had left it on cd mode. ugh. i need to go to sleep.

edd-it: apparently i'm not so cognative even when i do go to school. my brother came home from the ballroom party and said how many people had said hi to me in the halls or something of the like and i was totally zoned out. i don't remember talking or even seeing that many people. sad. oh, and as a quick side note, while i was gone they put me in the triple swing. robert (my brother, robert) is my partner. not sure what's going to happen there. i'll keep y'all updated.

the hairy beast

being friends with many swimmers can be a lonesome business when you swim like a half-chewed can of tuna. the swim team went to the san jorge competition on friday, but either mavis forgot to tell me, or i forgot, because i was unaware. and the geek had gone off into mists of darkness. i looked, but found not; sought, and was disregarded. thus i wandered through the valley of...patternless floor tiles, forlorn of mind and spirit. the white farm duck told me about halfway through lunch. i was still forlorn. i thought to hang out with the faculty, but none of them were in their rooms. even brother the pratt had forsaken me. i survived to fourth hour, but only just.
today though, was much better. if i had the drawing and the blog savvy, i would post the breaded train trail that was calculus today. and t-man's face when he felt Real, UnChlorinated, Healthy, THick hair for perhaps the first time. i'm getting that one a comb for Christmas. Ewww.
having my hair down is affecting my brain. i can't help but stroke it. people thought that my brother was trademarked by it, or matthias, but it i prolonged this unleased exposure, it would blow both of them out of the water. though, i might go crazy from all of the loose hairs that come out. the sink, my car, my clothes, mavis's hands, the Keyboard! EvErYWhere! going crazy! haha, too late! :)

all she wants to do...

so, i have the coolest family ever. after dinner jason, my little brother, and i were sick of robert's "meeu-zick", so we got on the internet and started playing goofy Christmas songs and dancing around the living room. it was even better since we disassembled the couch as is our way. is was so fun. jason's so cool and not at all shy. my sister came and joined us as we did celtic, waltz, trans-siberian, and muppets, mixing sign with interpretive dance and ballroom. and just plain silliality. by the end we were pretty loopy. the shades were open for part of the time and we got the occasional glance from our neighbors. only a glance, they're fairly used to us by now. i love my family. we're so weird. it's pretty much awesome possum.

frosted pies (think romantically)

my feet were a little cold today. i hate driving around other people under normal conditions, so i hung out at school until the flood ceased, then trudged to my car and went home to...shovel the driveway! yehehes! i did put on shoes prior. i don't think that my mom noticed, but my feet were red and numb before being shod. after that they were nice and toasty! the irony of it all was that after spending over an hour shoveling the driveway and starting on the sidewalk, this snowplow came and shovel about another half hour's worth of snow off my sidewalk in less than thirty seconds. i was grateful to be able to go in early, but also i surprised myself by being a little resentful. what i worked so hard to do was the easiest thing in the world for this guy. like those people who are naturally talented and blow the rest of the people, who really work for their skill, out of the water. chocolate helped though, and i am better now.
i think that i can find my winter niche. i hope that i can. i don't want to be lost for the next four months. i'm doing okay so far. i think that the thing is to depend on the fuzzy hippo slippers. and a cuppa chocolate can't hurt.
---sidenote: the concert was really good. and i think that we might be performing in a pep assembly sometime. the next dance is swing!! i'm jazzed.---

smattered

i've found that i really like watching people and really just studying them. i mean, think about it; man is truely God's greatest work. they're the best, folks. spending b4 running around getting all the ap chem students was so fun. the reactions of the students in class and their classmates was totally better than doing homework. And we get to be in the yearbook.
later today i went to magleby's on a date and watching the cooks make food (FiRe! Flame! oh, the beauty of enthalpy. gibb's free enery rocks) was so interesting. they would talk to each other as they went about making the food and it made me wonder about the social workings of the restaurant. what games do they play together? what are the different jokes or competitions that they have. and finally, i have to admit that the day ended with style. i think that the difference between mavis and myself is that i get outside myself when i talk to people. for me, it's easier to talk randomly to people that i don't know as well than to those that i do. the snow leopard made me far more nervous than did any of the people at the mall (maya, we took your date idea and asked stores if they had scholarship programs). it helped that marcus wasn't afraid to be silly with me. and i kept hearing bro. pratt's voice saying "oh, no fear. they're not afraid to just be open." seminary was pretty much awesome today by the way.
whoa. that train followed scattered sand. sorry about that. i need to sleep. i have chem, ems, and reading to do BEFORE plastering my hair to my head tomorrow. :, tahtah all!

colorlessly shod i wander through space
looking for solace, looking for a place
to rest.

my whole soul shivering, i yet remain awake
expected disappointment my hope takes
away.

deserted by the bedpost i stay
until bathed in sunlight, sleep washes away
again.


there are two main seasons that spur me to poetry: the begining of winter, and the true beginning of spring. i could have guessed that the snow would come, but it still takes a minute to transition from the wire to the generator. it's okay though. i guess that we can't play forever. and the world, like everything else, needs its naps. thus we come to appreciate the time that we have to be awake.

people are people

one thing that has always driven me crazy is that each person is several people all rolled into one. they have the person that they are at school, the person that they are outside of school (at times these are related), the person that the family knows them as, the person that they think of themselves as, and the person that they are subconsciously. excluding yourself, you only know one, maybe two of the people that are the person you interact with.

i've noticed it more as i spend time on the blog net. i get so confused by some of the other blogs because i see these people at school and they are entirely detached, it seems, from the words that they post on their blogs. why?

i know that i do it too. that was part of my problem with frog boy. it caused issues. i still don't understand though. i try really hard now to be the same person wherever i am. it's an effort to reduce social problems that i am prone to get into. it's another crusade! yay!

mine moment

seeing as i'm bored out of my brain and in my comp tech class, i'm going to... write you a poem. don't you feel special?

sitting here at my computer,
my mind slowly starting to drain.
absurd that this class is required.
it really is quite a pain.

my work i've already accomplished,
my assignments already turned in,
i pause to think, my stomache it sinks
my brain goes into a spin

for what if we all lived flatly,
with second dimentional math?
would pyhsics in paper be altered,
reactions take a strange path?

why are our brains such dull colors?
do choking smurfs really turn blue?
what angle'd it take and what change in the sky
to make it an irridecent hue?

my brain with questions is swirling
my sweater, it keeps me warm.
though scratchy it's soft,
i have a slight cough
and now my poem i'm ending.

when in doubt, the answer is 7

i'm cuurently occupying myself with my favorite pastime! that's right, you guessed it! avoiding my homework! not just that, it's my english homework. which is actually pretty pathetic since the assignment is just to read a story and answer some questions. but it's the thought that counts.
previous to blogging i was playing with a magic marker. guess what! now it says that i was made in china on my foot. and it's been decided that the only way that i'm going to get married is if i wear 6 inch heals and wear a tiara with lots of curls to make my hair big. yeah, maybe it's best that i'm not working with sharp objects.
*sigh* i wish that it was wednesday; things are better on wednesdays.

not just me

i know that it's not just me. i just react differently, but everyone around is affected. well, the majority.
the world is going to sleep and like kid before bedtime, Everyone is a little resiliant and not willing to give up the last little bit of the day. i thought that perhaps it was just the drama that i am a tangent to and therefore more watching that participating in. with the whole load of heavy stuff that is coming from around me i thought that it was the drama. but then i looked around a little bit, and i was surprised to see how many people have similar feelings to their thoughts. yes, some have a more dramatic display, but the underlying feeling is the same.
so perhaps i'm not so bizarre in my solar energy and reaction to the changing lights. everyone is affected, just it comes out different in me than in most. so what else is new?

orange colored sky

I was walking along, minding my business,
When out of an orange-colored sky,
Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
Wonderful you came by.

I was humming a tune, drinking in sunshine,
When out of that orange-colored view
Wham! Bam! Alakazam!
I got a look at you.

One look and I yelled "Timber"
"Watch out for flying glass"
Cause the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out,
I went into a spin and I started to shout,
"I've been hit, This is it, This is it! I-T it!"

I was walking along, minding my business,
When love came and hit me in the eye,
Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
Out of an orange-colored sky.

One look and I yelled "Timber"
"Watch out for flying glass"
Cause the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out,
I went into a spin and I started to shout,
"I've been hit, this is it, this is it! I-T it!"

I was walking along, minding my business,
When love came and hit me in the eye
Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
Out of an orange-colored, purple-striped, pretty green polka-dot sky
Flash! Bam! Alakazam! And goodbye!

i love this song! it is so good! admit it, you can definitely see the correlation between this song and yours truly. i have to admit that i love the pretty orange of the sky. it makes me smile. :)

today

i haven't anything profound to write, so you get the mundane life of me because i'm BORED and no one emailed me or is on msn and the phone is of satan. especially since nancy has two dates today and they're both calling every other hour. my brain is decomposing and will soon start oozing from my nose and eyeballs. man, my day's not even been super exciting. i woke up and was going to eat breakfast with smiley, but that was canceled since the people we were going to eat with left to go out of town; he'd forgotten. so we're doing some fall prep round the home; the two minor ones and i went out and cleaned out some water barrels to put in the garage. we put water in them and rolled them around the yard playing bumper cars, push fighting, and dancing on them. it was acually really fun, though my feet got kind of cold. that's ot. that's my day. i'm avoiding my chemistry to the last minute and i can't go ask my date to sadie's until it gets dark. HELP! Somebody come Save ME!!

familiar entropy

there's a disorder in my house. people think that they see it in me, that i'm unique, but i have nothing compared to when i'm with my fam. progressive entropy is very much a driving force that pulses within our veins. i realized this last night as i was talking with my father. it was not so much the words he was using, as the elephant nose that he was strapping over the stem of a pumpkin, afterwards adding a scarf so that it kind of looks like lawrence of arabia. or a jewish woman. after the elephant nose he put a groucho marx disguise on another vegetable to go along with the arab. this would be more odd had my little brother not been similarly occupied a few weeks ago (a flying monkey magnetically attached to the light fixture and a tiger in an blow up electric chair). i myself was feeling almost dignified as i curled my hair for my costume the next day. then i saw the butterfly wings and that all went to pieces. before i knew what was happening i had two pairs of tights on, fuzzy hippo slippers, and was skipping around trying to gobble. luckily, as we learn in chemistry, randomity is a natural thing that is actually a driving force in the universe. that makes me feel better when i get dismayed expressions as i prance by people on my way to p.e. hugging a box of trix. (do you really expect a fool to go anywhere without her bag of tricks?)

bye bye birdie

the cold wind blew through the little bird as she slowed down and came to a stop. it was not as graceful as she might have hoped for, but it got her down to the ground. the penguin stared back at her, slightly taken aback at the disheveled creature. why had she come here? indeed the bluebird was contemplating this herself as the icy wind cut her to the core. she was not at home in this colorless landscape. if her back wasn't to the jacana, she might have bolted right then, if she had come at all. being who she was, the jacana knew more about her little friend than the bluebird herself did, and put her in the situation she had needed for the last six months. the bluebird relaxed slightly. the penguin didn't notice, but had gone back to the edge of the iceberg to watch for fish. at length the little one breathed a sigh of relief. her mind at ease, she brushed the snow off her wings, tensed, and took flight, the jacana following closely behind. though outwardly nothing noteworthy had occured, an inward door closed that had been letting in a draft.

an odd thought

the bird launched into that air as though from a cannon. back to her domain, she soared through the sky that was colored just for her. the cool wind flowed through her feathers, taking her preoccupations as it left her. this was where she belonged. this was where she found peace. alone she flew along the currents she knew so well, they might have had names. no one for comparison, she was the almighty, the perfect one here. though the space around her to others might have seemed empty, she knew better. it was filled with the life that pulsed throughout her little body. as light as the air around her, here she could soar.

theme song

Bigger Than My Body - John Mayor

This is a call to the colorblind
This is an IOU
Stranded behind a horizon line
Try to be something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Chorus:
Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be
Something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
Gives me credit for


Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin I've been tripping in
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Chorus

Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
To remember my name, oh

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Chorus

Cause I'm bigger than my body
Bigger than my body
Bigger than my body now

i'm glad that while i may be liMited sometimes, what you see is Not all you get, and i won't Always be this way. it helps to dampen the blows from life and school my temper.

eff and gee

robert's craft may seem like a harmless enough store. but that's just what they want you to think. naively you walk in for something simple, like ribbon, that a craft store would have. but there's something in the scent of wood and scrapbooking supplies that is not so innocent. before long things start to blur together and suddenly you're standing outside the doors cradling 20 dollars worth of wood, glue, paint and paper that will eventually find themselves as haphazardly half-finished projects on the study floor. such could have been the case with an excusion i made to said store yesterday. they were having a sale! they have a Five Dollar ice cream machine! and Cute New charms! and Hemp! and Paper! and...BUT! by cleaving to my focus (and leaving my wallet in the car) i scrapped by with my ribbon and pompoms.
such an accomplishment deserved a trip to see the snakes and mice at the pet strore right next door, so, once again, leaving my wallet in the car i went to smash my nose against some aquariums. however, with the lingering fumes of puffy paint i underestimated the appeal of domestic aquaculture and found myself with 25 cents worth of goldfish riding shotgun next to the pompoms. i was at a loss for a clear, non-cooking related bowl when i got home, so little eff and gee were poured into a rather chubby vase, which i then tied the robert's ribbon around.
the weirdest part, which may come from robert's or too many hours sitting sleep-deprived in a plastic desk, came right as i was going to bed:
if f= the golden fish in my bathroom, does f'=
a) the fish's children
b) the fish's parents
or c) the fish's swimming pattern?

ch..ch.ch..changes

it's very fascinating to me to watch the people around me, and myself, change. i'm very different than i was this time last year. i hope that it's for the better. i like to think that it is, but then i also like to think that i walk with a saunter, which i know isn't true. i am better friends with even better people this year. i've made friends with people that i didn't really know before for some reason and it blows me away that i have such good people around me. and from getting the occasional input from outside, it really is happy valley. :)

song of the day:

you can hear it too! fnt! semisonic.com/music/default.asp you can download the song. it works in mozilla, not sure about explorer. good song though. makes me smile. :)

Silence

deaf tuesday is hard, but in a way that i didn't expect. i miss the sound of my own voice. i miss using my ears. it's not as much communication (i could write) as just feeling a real lack of input. sound disassociated after a while and it wasn't that hard to ignore. especially since i already shut off my ears when i'm in the hallways at school. but right now i really miss talking to myself and listening to the radio. i hear stuff in my head, but i want the vibration of my eardrums and my laranx. *sigh* i'm excited for tommorrow morning.
it was pretty entertaining to watch the different rxns of people around me as they tried to deal with me being deaf. my favorite was marcus, with his sign language that looked like an interpretive dance from the senior citizen center. and when he covered his face and exprected me to lip read...:D actually that happened a lot. people would talk louder and not look at me when they said stuff, but expect me to understand. hmmm. someone's a little confused.
one benefit though to being deaf is that many of the conversations are on hard copy and i can now cherish them forever. if only i could get preston to write down the conversation we had in p.e, and get his rxn to his present on tape....hee hee. that makes me laugh.

Happy Unbirthday!

i've always been at a loss as to what to do with myself when it comes to my birthday. i love the presents, but i don't know how to handle the attention. i never felt like it's that big of a deal. i'm one day older than i was yesterday. yay! like when your car click over to show that you've put another mile on it. i didn't do anything to deserve anything, and nothing Suddenly happened. i just feel awkward. maybe it has to do with the fact that my mom feels obligated to follow social protocol and throw a party. when you come from an anti-social family, this doesn't really work. and still, every birthday, the same thing: what do you want to do? do something. plan it, send out invitations, make sure everyone wears sunblock. or even though she hates to shop for me (she's completely lost when it comes to my taste and generally gets it wrong), no matter what, my mom Won't use a wish list. oh well. i'll survive. I LOVE my Family, and Mom in spite of being silly. i'm silly too, so we match. and my Friends. i LOVE them too. :D

seizing the day

we had a quiz in calc that took up the majority of the time. we then answered questions from the homework, wrote down the next assignment, and were dismissed. i start in on my homework and get through the first leg of it just fine. then i get to the second leg and smash into a hot brick wall. i have no idea what's going on or how to do it. i look through all my notes, check the internet, the chapter explanation in my book, then my ap review book. i spend at least and hour and a half with nothin' in the bucket bob. so i go in early to ask ms. lonsberry, but there's a faculty meeting that last till the bell rings to go to class. perfect. after school i go in, and after i explain she looks at what i have written down and says, "oh honey, bless your heart! (aka: you were a blundering fool), all the homework that i gave you was the first section! the rest was the BC homework! we haven't gotten there yet." yeah, i felt smart. today was nerd day too. i forgot to dress up, but nobody noticed because i still fit right in. :) as to to emphasis it anymore, they were serving kiwis for lunch today. they haven't had those for a WhiLe. i refrained and only took 2. believe me it was hard. but we're sitting eating lunch, and matthias comes over AND TAKES ONE OF MY KIWIS!! No Way! i chased him to halfway across the parking lot before he got tired and gave up, returning My kiwi. the swedish mafia had taken my other one by then. i about tackled her in the wet grass. instead i glared her down until she reliquished the fruit.
....i know it's a fetish and i'm weird. leave me alone.other than that there've been several amusing and semi-enlightening encounters. having nancy home is the best! she helps me to understand things so much better and to think before i act. plus the atmosphere of the RM is very entertaining. she's going to a singles ward, so guys will call for her fairly frequently. i answered the phone yesterday to this suave deep voice. i actually ended up with his “7 digits to heaven”, but they were for my sister. *sigh* oh well. :D so that's my life, some editions made (from what you know about me, do you really want to know ALL that goes on in my head? even i'm not sure how i would answer that question.).... i need a nap.

inside thin lines

it seems that the boundries between things are very thin. a popular one is the border between genius and insanity. another good vs evil. when you're up against that line, one bad move and you're over the edge. that's why you stay safe and far as you can be on the good side. the line i have in mind at the moment however is the one of structure. it's a very tempermental. too much and you're strapped in a straightjacket with no wiggleroom to show who you are. conversely, if there is little or no structure you're drowning; no foundation to stand on. in order to be creative, or think and express yourself, you need the right amount of sturcture. it's a fine line to walk. teachers, especially english teachers, often have a hard time knowing where this line is. those who do are the cream of the crop in their profession. it's one attribute that the best of my english teachers have possessed. foundation with room for creative expression.

to speculate

i would have written speculations, but that's already been taken.
the beginning of school has always facinated me. i love to just sit back and watch the dynamics of everything fall into sync. the first few days are very telling. the teachers aren't quite sure how the classes will work together and the students aren't sure about either the teacher or the class, schedules are up in the air, social status defined, subtle habits formed (like always going to the drinking fountain right before a class, or only slinging the backpack over one shoulder from one class to the other), everything swirls in retro colors for those first two/three weeks and it's so cool to watch. just realizing that almost every move leaves an impression, stirs the mix just a little. (ex: i was dancing with cameron the second week of ballroom, we had to switch, cameron pushed me towards ryan whom i danced with and he asked my to homecoming the following day. which set the stage for the drama of my sophomore year).
i find myself talking more in my classes this year. to the teacher. i think that it's because most of my classes are smaller and with people who are the brainballs of our grade. when a question is posed, everyone is quiet, so i answer the question, or comment, or ask a question of my own. not sure what to do about that. so far the teachers haven't minded, but i've been pretty mellow in class so far. thinks tend to get weird around me every once in a while. hmmm... time to ponder.

give me some of that hair!...

...long beautiful hair! grow it! show it! LOng as you can grow it, my hair!
has anyone ever heard that song? it's weird. it makes me laugh. but i cut my hair yesterday. no worries all, it's not a chop. i would be dead from multiple ends if i did that. she cut off a little more than an inch, layered, tapered, textured, and thinned it. i dunno, it's hair. it smells good though! it's weird to have hair that's not thick. my hair actually is smooth in a ponytail now instead of being a roiling mass of poop-brown stuff, as my brother calls my tresses. crazy.

campo/The Morning

i thought that we weren't going to have it this year because of the cove, but we went to a neighbor's cabin for two nights. *snort* "camp" this year had electricity, inside bathrooms, running water, fans, and mattresses (we had a disco party last night. :) singing, dancing, flastlights..what more could you want?). yep, that's
roughin' it. but it was fun. it was more like a retreat, and nice to have right before school starts. i got to have friends that were girls (they laughed at
my feeble attempts to be girly...i have hot pink polka-dotted toenails now. they're pretty rad. you should see them.), and i got to be away from my family, closer to nature.
i loved the mornings! there were BiG window on the second floor where we slept, so
i woke up with the sun both days. God definitely is a morning person. He loves all of his children, and gives All of them the Beautiful day, but for those who
are willing to sacrifice (sleep) for Him, He gives them the Morning. the Morning has...how can i put it? there's the Gorgeous Sky, the cool air, and just the
serenity that comes with it. it's like He made it just to tell YOU Good Morning and He Loves You. nothing else matters. plus no one else is around and...arg.
it's a just a feeling and i can't convey it. am i making any kind of sense at all? i wish that i could show you. it's important. *sigh* anyway...

ocpd!

*just as a pre note so you understand better, we're thinking that there may be stalkers in our neighborhood, so everyone's been keeping an eye out and being a little more careful. which is Really Good. but anyway...
it's thursday, so i woke up this moring at just after four to get ready to go to the temple. i hadn't heard from doug all week, so i assumed that i would be driving myself, so i didn't turn on the porch light like i would if i were going to carpool. when i popped the garage door though, doug's car was out front, so i closed the garage door and walked out to his car. as i was going down my driveway, the cop walks up holding a flashlight.
"do you live here?" he asks.
"yeah..."
"so do you know this guy?" (by this time doug had gotten out of the car and come over)
"yeah."
"where're you goin'?"
"to the temple..." (we're both in sunday dress)
"alright; we got a call from one of your neighbors that there was a suspitious car outside your house. we thought that we'd better check it out."
"yeah, doug's my ride to the temple this morning. thanks though." (another cop shows up from the opposite side of the street.)
"sorry about that, have a good day you two."
"thanks again. good day to you too."
so i was kinda shaken (cops, paramedics, and city officials make me nervous), but it was amusing to think that two ocpd cops were closing in on doug when we were headed to the temple. so that was my morning. that and eating half a plate of bacon with a plate of eggs and french toast. MmMmM. Yum!

and it came to pass...

as the year approached the time of harvest that the i went forth to drink from the living fountain. and such was the magnitude thereof that much of my time was spent sifting through the words that rose from the dust, striving with all my strength in an effort to understand them. such a goal was hindered by my brethren. knowest thou the difficult affixed to drinking from the fountain amidst the contentious cries of a wookie? or such contentiom and would drive man to the deep recesses of the wood that thereby he might escape? i say unto thee, nay. nor wilst i that thou shouldst aquire an understanding, for such a knowledge leads to wandering paths and mists of confusion.
and verily i approached a part of my goal, yeah, even one half, that the eyes of mine head did beging to be heavy, and my mind to become as though it were stew, even stew that had gone the way of all the earth. yeah, and even the words which i did speak were of a peculiar nature.
thus, i did releave my hands from their task for fill moment and did my belly. and now my brethren, i wouldst that thou shouldst know of the sweetness of the fruit that cometh from the tree of life. for it is most sweet above all others.
and now, having refreshed my mind and lightened my soul, i must return once again to the word, for such have i been commanded, and such is my desire, and i make an end. amen.

terrible teens

have you ever had the feeling of everything changing in quicktime? or just being pulled back, out of yourself, and having to watch for a minute before you realize what's going on? sometimes i am completely bowled over by the people that i think that i know. they act so out of charater for the person that i think they are and i can't figure out when or what happened to the person i knew. am i that way? i have to think that this is just a common sentiment, just part of being an adolecent among her piers, but it's unnerving to think that yet another part of my enviornment is not quite what it seems and the illusion of stability is just that: an illusion. sometimes i resent having to go through the adolecent phase; having to watch everyone's and my own insecurety. it's so disorrienting. being a teenager is like going through the terrible two's, except everyone is bigger and you can talk more. but then, two year-olds can be the funnest things sometimes. i guess that those are the times that you want to focus on, and just suck it up through the others. oi.

as an afterthought

these are for potatoland's excursion, but i need to put them somewhere before they disappear. buen provecho!

Disconnected

head full of words,
pen full of ink,
but i can't get the two to combine.

my thoughts are connected,
ideas make sense,
but i just can't make anything rhyme.

maybe i'm tired,
should just go to bed,
but i can't get this verbage out of my head.

mind stocked with words,
no way to show it,
it's times like these i wish i weren't a poet.


the Boy in Silk capris

brother so Odd, looks for his shoe,
wanders around, doesn't have a Clue

lOOks Here, lOOks There,
can't find 'em Anywhere

thinks his sister hid them

False accusations come and go,
finally shouts, "Where did They GO?!"

(jason was spouting poetry. i didn't have abything to do with his flip flops)

time

time is a funny thing. i wish that i understood it better. in some ways it is like time is going just fast enough so that we can get only a hint of what's happened before the next thing hits you, and then there are other times (or perhaps it's the things that work with time), that last for long enough so as to make it seem like you're peering into eternity. like it's Never too late to compliment someone, give a hug, spend some time getting to know someone better, or just be weird for the heck of it. then the things that have happened in the last couple months have happened so fast that they're practically on top of each other (it's been a short, jam-packed summer), then again because of that very reason it seems like it's been so long since one of the first of the major events. i'm sure that part of it has to do with me just being older and looking around every once in a while, but still.

clouds

it was really cloudy today and it affected me. i didn't wake up till noon. i did have a thought-full day though. i can't really explain, but it was like that. sometimes i miss the structure that school provided. it's a lot easier to keep your mind out of dusty corners that're best left be when you have stuff to even just pretend to do. you don't have that in summer. nancy and i went shopping and hung out with jose y su esposa. i forgot how fun that can be sometimes. it made me laugh. that and the sun came out while we were playing. that made me day go better, even when it wasn't terrible to begin with. it just bumped it up a notch. sun does that. :)

food!

i love the crock pot! it cooks everything for you and all you have to do is throw everything in the pot. when you come home from work: presto! FOOD!
for those who care at all, here are some super easy recipes i found. i haven't tried them yet, but my turn to cook is manana, so i'll let y'all know.
------
BASIL CHICKEN

4 chicken breast -- skinned
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon basil
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 green pepper -- sliced

Place chicken breasts in slow cooker. Sprinkle with pepper and basil.

Spread soup on top of chicken.

Arrange slices of green pepper on top of soup.

Cover and cook on low 6 to 8 hours.

Serves 4.
-----

CROCK POT ITALIAN CHICKEN AND POTATOES

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 C. Italian salad dressing

2 t. Italian seasoning

1 C. grated parmesan cheese

5 to 6 potatoes; peeled, cut into wedges

Place chicken in bottom of crock pot. Sprinkle with half Italian dressing, spices, and the grated cheese. Place potatoes over chicken. Sprinkle with remaining ingredients.

Cover; cook on low 6-8 hours.

post potato land: the sequel!

i just came back saturday from a week in idaho. it was a stressful week, but it's over now. the thing was that my grandmother died and my mom needed to help my granpa. they're a lot alike. both stubborn as steel. there was a lot to think about, and my mind didn't want to shut off until i had gone over all of it very thoroughly. i didn't sleep very well; like not at all. it's good that granma is free now. her soul is no longer trapped in its broken cell. but it's still sad for the people that knew her when she was not like that. granpa looks lost now. and my dad's parents aren't doing so well themselves. it's very possible that we could be back up there later this summer. i hope not though. *hooph*
oh! saurday though was crazy. my brothers had 'dogged home with joseph and his wife early, but i stayed and we headed home from idaho at about 6:30 am. we had to be to the airport by 11. having a basement mate is crazy! even weirder is trying to figure out how having nancy home works. she's changed a pantload over the last year and a half. the person that was my best friend that i said goodbye to didn't come home. i hope that i can be friends with this person that now shares my bathroom. and my cinnamon toothpaste. that stuff is the best ever!
:) it's funny: she keeps saying things like, "man, we would never hang out in places like this. it's too nice, they'd never listen. we're SO rich!" or "it's SO pretty here!!" or "whoa, technology is awesome!" "EveryOne has a car?!" "you're CWAzy!". it makes me laugh. i LOVE this girl!

i wouldn't walk a thousand miles...

...and there's no way that i'd walk a thousand more. jsyk. today's been fairly eventful. all of you are very interested and want to hear about this very much. how do i know this? because i am telling you so. having slept late, i awoke about 12:15 and and wandered around for a little while. then my dad informed me that i was making lunch so i made food. foothill no longer has a soccer field. this is because they tore it up and gave some of it to us. i was very dirty afterward.
well, my brother has been nagging me to fix his bike up, so i fixed mine, then we were endeoring to fix his when we discovered that many of the pieces were missing. so we went for a walk. jason, being the radiation addict that he is, decided that we would walk to smiley's (we were both severely slap happy now) to aquire a game that jason deeply covets. smiley was at the mutt's house, so we walk down there, but then his dad informs us that they both went over to russell's. i didn't know where russell lived, so we walked by foothill looking for any cars that we recognized. THEN we headed home (it was 10pm by this time). being me and my brother, neither of us wore shoes and there's gravel all over the sidewalks. :P my feet hurt. i blame jason.

what's sad

so you can tell two things from the following: that i'm socially pathetic, and that...well, there's something else i think, but it fades from the grasps of the present mind. but to explicar:
mavis went to snowbird for a reunion the last nearly a week ya? the compy in the meantime contracted constipation, but that's extranious information. so while she's gone i go on four of five (maybe even six)dates. they count as dates because i wasn't allowed to touch my wallet throughout and i was paired off with a friend that happened to be a guy. normally there would be more peoples there, but with mavis gone, and the fact that i generally make better friends with guys than girls, that's how the tree danced. it's sad. anywho, my nathan got wind and while he commends me, he also mentioned that any guy found within a six foot radius of me when he got home was doomed. :) i love my brother. he makes me smile.

cove-ered

we got back from martin's cove wednesday and i'm just barely writing about it. that's bad. but, i shall endevor to share mine thoughts and experiences as well as i can remember them.
monday we left at about six thirty from the church for wyoming. i went with my padres because the bus was full. and i semi-dislike buses anyway. after the 6-hour ride there, we were put into our families (stroud was my big bro.), greeted, and sent packing with our handcarts. it wasn't so bad. the camp site was 4 miles away, but when we got there dinner was started (bro. farnsworth is the best with a dutch oven. he could go on the dutch oven iron chef). we went and did square dancing for a while till everyone was sweaty tired. and we pitched the tents. mine was a mansion. the 8 girls in there had tons of space. i slept well.
tuesday morning started early. days always do when you're camping. i find it really hard to sleep after the sun comes up. my family was doing breakfast ane the sack lunches, so we prepared that, ate, and then cleaned up. while the rest of the ward went to do service. then we left to actually go to the cove. it's intense there. i can't really describe it. there was a lot of love and a lot of pain. i kept imagining the whole place covered in snow. even in the cove there wasn't much protection. how hard it would be to be a mom and not be able to comfort your children? they must've loved us and the Lord sooo much. talk about a noble ancestry.
well, we headed back and the wind picked way up. just our luck, my family was in the back so along with the wind-blown dust, we bit everyone's dust. sand got Everywhere. eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and hair were full of it. it blew all through your clothes. we got back to camp and had a gritty dinner. after a devotional we went to a fireside and the wind picked up even more. we had to run back to camp and collapse the bigger tents so that they wouldn't break. we took off our skirts (we had on scrubs underneath) to play games until dark. that was way fun. lesson though: don't play red rover. pain! suffering! blood! by this time we were supposed to be settling down to have letters from home, another fireside, and testimony meeting, generally the most spiritual point of the trip, but the wind got even worse and we had to run to the tents to keep them from shredding. so we sat ON them...and it started to rain. i cracked up. i wrapped up in a tarp and was about asleep, but the ickle beehives were kind unhappy, so i tried to cheer them up. i told jokes, and got them all singing and laughing when the raunchy laurals told us that we were being too loud and to shut up cause we were crazy (at least we were happy. they were miserable.). so we went and at cobbler. around midnight the wind went down enough to set the tents back up and go to sleep. i went to sleep happy, because i was laughing at the last sentence i heard from on of the girls in my tent; "this isn't camping! this is roughing it to the max! i can't sleep with dirt between my toes!" girls are silly. and wimps. it really wasn't that bad.
wednesday we had breakfast and bolted back to the busses. i had to ride in the bus on the way home. mostly we watched movies: napoleon dinamite, rm, best two years, etc. i was sitting next to some of the laurals from the night before. maybe it's just me being my tomboy self, but girls drive me crazy sometimes. i was happy to be home with my brothers. and the shower.
since then i haven't done much, oh! i went to go see batman with the grey parrot last night. it's good! i liked it a lot! comic booky, but that's kinda me too.

no! No! NOOOO!

it's too early in the morning to go into spanish mode. i nearly was there when i saved myself at the brink. but anyway...
wow. it's been nearly a week since the last post put i up and yet i am still at a lack of words. nauvoo was great, but the cliff notes that i wrote on that were a page long and that's boring. so we'll forego that shall we? but there still needs to be stuff here, so here's a poem that came to me yesterday midst my dilerium. please feel free to fix what needs to be fixed (mavis, marcus and b-ball boy [if he's still alive] this means you!).

Phoenix

Pained, the creature
once beautiful, now lies in sickly decay
waiting for Death

consumed in flame
it waits
ashes glow and ebb

Still Silence
Hope leaves.

But,
from Death creeps Life
and rises

forgotten, it grows
inexplicably strengthened

Magnificent, the creature
Takes Flight

on the banks of the mississippi

hey kids, sorry this is so short, but i have three minutes to be in bed. we have wireless at the hotel, so i pried the compuker out of my dad's fingers. wow. the plains are like a green pancake with trees on it. mount'n seperation anxiety. you could watch your dog run away for three days.and it's humid and the streets aren't square. i'm easily befuddled. the mississippi is beautiful. IT'S HUGE!!! we're actually in keokuk al momento and looking around. the reuniun is fun and we've already run into the missionaries. they thought it was insane to see so many mormons in one spot without a general authority around. anyway, tell y'all bout it when i have more time. g'night all!

NABOO!

so, in the two seconds that i have before my mom gets back on my to return to packing...(honestly, how hard is it? you throw in a change of clothes, well, a couple, jacket, a toothbrush and a notebook with pen and i'm good to go) anyway, just sos y'all know i'll be in illinois till next week for some crazy super geneology reunion. my dad's a major geneology nerd and is stressing it major. but...i'm super excited. this'll be my premiere excursion out of the western states. all four that i've ever been to. :P
well, be good while i'm gone. i'd hate to have to beat anybody when i get back. oh, AND I STILL WANT THOSE RECIPES!! PLEASE!

maybe i'm just hungry at the moment...

okay, i really want food. but not real food. really. what i want is recipes, so, i want (please) the two favorite dinner recipes of everyone who reads this.(PLEASE!!!) danka!
-the sunbleached bluebird :)

sick

i'm sick of people. (please don't take offence, it's not any person in particular, just in general). one of the reasons that i was uber excited to get out of school was that i could get away from people till my brain started to rot, then call and play with them, however, my brain hasn't begun to decay as of yet and i can't go a full day just being at my home vegging. to explain: i'm on social overload and need some time where i can become utterly and completely bored so i feel like exerting myself once again. this helps me be amiable and keeps my charma in check. at the moment, people keep "planning" twattle because they think that they have to be connected 24/7 during summer. it's okay and good for you to go solo for a while. i promise. anyway; that's my soapbox for the week, but don't feel bad. to use a cliche, it's not you, it's me. i just need to be alone for a while. ciao.

potato land

the frozen block of ice is not so frozen at the moment. not quite like home, but que puede hacer? my aunt needed a break and so we went to go watch my grandparents for the weekend. it actually wasn't so bad. fights were minimal and we kept fairly occupied. we took frued because, A: moby dick was full of grass, B: it's cheaper to take the saturn and C: the AC in moby's broken.
*sigh* it's sad to go to my grandparents' houses. my dad's parents are losing their memories and cognative ability completely. grampa's in a rest home and all he wants to do is go back home, only the home he wants is forty years gone. he has no idea who i am and barely knows my dad. his mom's not much better. as for my mom's parents, they're both on oxygen, and can't move without winding themselves. you don't even ask how they are; in short, they're packed up and ready to go home. it's the final waiting that hurts. and the pain is reflected in my parents' eyes. i think that that's the hardest part. it makes me want to be little again when everything appeared good through the rose-colored glasses of naivity. a lot of things make me wish for that. but that's not the way it works.

later (or..earlier) thoughts

being awake at 4:30 maakes you prone to profound (and random) thoughts. i've had both. to share:
1(the profound;at least for me.): records, geneology, and journals are fundamental parts of the gospel. if you think about it that what the scriptures are. you say that you don't have meaningful stuff to write? well, mormon did abridge most of the stuff out. how'd you like to try that on for size? evidently there were some prophets' entries that weren't exactly thrilling and the begats aren't quite so exciting. so the point has been, is, and always will be to keep a record in one way or another so that we do not walk after the sins of our fathers. insead we link the children to the fathers and visa-versa, and it becomes part of who each person IS. (Helaman 5:6) anyway...
2(the random): if something of great importance happens in another timezone, what time is it recorded to have occured? for example: we have pearl harbor recorded to have happened at 7:55 am, but what time do the japanese have it happening at? i guess that they'd probably just have it happen at local time for wherever the record was kept. or maybe as the local time for where the event occurred. but what if the entire nation was affected at once? *sigh* deep thoughts with no answers. i need to dance and get back to regular thought "patterns". where's that book that i was talking about earlier?

summertime, summertime, sum sum summertime...

i think that the best place ever to be at five in the mornin' on a thursday is at the Temple. oh, it was SOO beautiful. it was still really dark, but at the edges lighter blue was seeping into the sky and then the mountains were silouetted against it, except with the snow showing where the two mountains converge in a canyon. then to top it of was the awe-inspiring Temple itself all light up with spotlights on Moroni. it just glowed and eminated love. i love that place so much. my dad just laughed as i sleepily described it to him. and then i got to crash face-down on the couch! my favorite! i swear, we have to best couch for sleeping on (though occasionally leather ones are really comf). :)
now baseball, hay fever and a book that's calling my name. :) i love summer.

linked up

statix showed me how to create links for my blog and i was playing with them. check 'em out. no seriously, check 'em out! they're uber random. but anyway...
today was kinda crazy. i guess that yearbook day generally is. and that's all folks. no more to say today that makes any sense and isn't somehow related to to the colors black and white. ciao!

timeless yearbooks.

looking through old yearbooks is always a source of great entertainment for me. both my own and other people's. especially my parents'. it's fun to read the comments that people write in. it reveals a little more about what they were like when they were your age. i'm cat curious, but my mom "doesn't remember" what about half of the entries were about in one of the books.it makes me wonder about what i should write in yearbooks this year. something meaningful that they're kids will have free licence to make fun of. and the pictures... well we're not going there since i can't talk. :) ha ha! i only show up once in the entire book and that's my mug shot! hmm, we actually should PLAN stuff to do next time. i vote that it's delagated to t-man, smiley, or mr. "i'm a georgia peach mowing my lawn". anyone dispute?....it's settled then. unless otherwise told, i'm coming home after school, eating lunch, and taking a nap. :P so there.

de-century-ified

our ward is going to martin's cove this summer to make the ever popular trek. as part of leading up to that we're having a pioneer country fair today with different pioneer activities. personally i'm affiliated with the handcart and horse rides. well, we're supposed to dress up in our pioneer clothes for the trek, and being the prompt person that i am...i just finished my bonnet. it's silly to see my family in clothes from the eighteen hundreds wandering around the house watching tv, on the computer, or using a dremil tool. i need to go help set up right about now but i can't remember where i hid my real shoes. it's been a while. well, i can check the computer off the list of places they're not. :)

p.s.-

does anybody know when q-tip gets back? i hear that he went to the frozen ice block *shudder* to visit his sister. i hope that he doesn't stay there all week. i need him to sign my yearbook. :, plus second period is lame without the one person that knows that i'm actually alive in that class.

psycadelic scrubbin'

i'm seriously likin' these scrubs. made from a super good cotten, they breath fabulously, don't draw as much heat, and of course the coloring is just awesome. it's what would happen if you dropped the devil's china rainbow. intense red, green, yellow, orange and black all swirl together. all this, added to the fact that they are custom made and tailored to me comf make them the bestest.
anyway, the sky is BeeUtiful and it would be a shame to leave that blue sky hangin'. i'm totally up for frisbee, kickball, anything and everything! feel free to join in. pasta amigos!

fallin'..in and out... of love

that song has been stuck in my head since it came on the radio during photo (that was a mess. i was late into the dark room and ended up not even getting an enlarger. :P all i got done was mounting one photo.) anyway..
ryan enters basic today. i'm not sure what to feel. i still think that he's an idiot, but at this point he's signed his life away and i can't change that, so i might as well not make the situation worse. i'm definitely going to miss him. *sigh* relationships are messed up. i'm being a selective hermit when i grow up.
:) gone daddy gone just came on the radio! AND MY MOM BOUGHT STRAWBERRY PLANTS! WE GET TO PLANT THEM TODAY!!!! i have to go right now. pasta y'all!

attack of the killer sunbeams

The following article was submitted for the Journal of Collegium Aesculapium, the magazine for the LDS physicians association.

Nothing in my 4 years ofmedical school at Georgetown prepared me for what I was to encounter six weeks into my residency in Provo. I expected being swamped with patients in my mission to stomp out disease. I even expected to stay up all night more often than daytime people should ever do. And I was quite enthralled with living in such a clean little city with such friendly people. I soon found that my seven fellow residents were impressively dedicated to their church. In fact, all seven had served missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and we quickly became good friends, which helped me dismiss the stories I had grown up hearing about this strange religion. . My new mission companions, the residents, would frequently take me aside to clue me in about the LDS Church and culture. But every time I thought I was getting a handle on the dominant culture in and around Provo, someone threw me a curveball -- like the humbling experience that happened to me on a busy afternoon in the Family Practice Center.
I had been up all night, was tired, and still had a long list of patients to see. My honed diagnostic skills were dulled from sleep deprivation and my milk of human kindness had begun to curdle. "Will it ever end?" I thought to myself as I ran through the next chart. Hmm. The chart belonged to a 34-year-old mother named Betsy. Her presenting complaint was depression. Through my fatigue, I heard myself saying, "Not another one!" Thoughts raced through my head of an earlier patient who took almost an hour to tell me her life story - a big stretch for her scheduled ten-minute office visit. I quickly gathered my thoughts and entered the room. I greeted Betsy and she shook my hand. She did not smile. I could tell right away she was depressed and reached in my pocket for my prescription pad, ready to bless our encounter with a prescription for Prozac. "What's wrong Betsy?" I asked in a quiet, reassuring tone. "Oh Dr. Tubbs, I can't take this anymore." Tears began to flow down her cheeks almost immediately. "I feel like everybody is out to get me." "What makes you say that?" I inquired. "I'm sure I'm making more of it than there is. I try to be a servant of God and do what is asked of me," she sobbed, "but I just can't take it anymore." "I can see you have a lot of stress in your life Betsy. Why don't you tell me about it." "My husband doesn't like me anymore. He yells at me for not keeping the house clean. The dog messes on the floor, and the sunbeams are driving me crazy!" I stopped her in mid-sentence. "What?" To my amazement she said it again: "The sunbeams are driving me crazy!" She was even more emphatic about it this time. Trying not to laugh and to maintain a therapeutic empathy, I inquired, "Just what do the sunbeams do?" "They get into everything! I just can't control them!" "You try to control them?" I asked. "It's impossible. They move so fast you know!" "Oh, I know," I
said, trying to humor her. "They get into everything," she cried. "They come in and out the door and in and out the door, and they won't stop talking." "Won't stop talking?" I repeated, trying not to gasp. "I just can't seem to keep them quiet. I have tried everything. Even ear plugs! I love them, but sometimes I think they are possessed by the devil himself." What a nutcase, I thought in my semi-comatose state. Barely able to keep a straight face, I asked, "So have you told anyone about the sunbeams?" "Oh Dr. Tubbs, that is the worst part. I tried to talk to my bishop about them, but he just thinks I'm crazy." An accurate diagnosis. I couldn't agree more, I thought silently. "He just told me to deal with them! He said I'm an adult and need to learn how to handle sunbeams. He doesn't understand me at all." I was fascinated. I couldn't believe no one had diagnosed her before. This was classic paranoid schizophrenia. My first case. Do we have a straightjacket? I've always wanted to put someone in one. Does she need to be locked up? Wanting her to go on, I asked, "Well, Betsy, have you tried suntan oil?" She stared at me coldly like I was patronizing her. The room was silent. Trying to backtrack, I asked, "Well, do you have a rash anywhere?" She looked puzzled. I had confused the confused. I anxiously awaited her reply. She tilted her head to one side and asked, "You're not LDS are you?" "No, I'm not." I said. At first she chuckled, but seconds later she burst right out laughing. "You probably think I'm crazy!" Where I come from sunbeams had more to do
with solar flares than healthy young children. My Mormon companions failed to equip me with this vital ecclesiastical information. I did, however, manage to lift her spirit to new heights and she left the office in a much better mood. This lesson in language reinforced my feeling that, in spite of my Georgetown education, I sure didn't know it all. John Stuart Mill once noted: "Language is the light of the mind." I'll bet old John never got enlightened by the sunbeams.

sunshine withdrawl

*sigh* this rain is throwing me off majorly. i want the sun so bad. i paced myself during the winter for a normal summer arrival and now my reserves of vitamin d are next to nil. and it's starting to show. it's worse than winter. you expect to be without hues then. now i wake up every day hoping to look up out of my window and see blue and all i see is dirty shades of black and grey. the bed spits me out and i go through the day feeling cold, hungry, and depressed. i'm not sure how to cope. i can't ever remember this happening before. :' maybe i need one of those heat lamps that they put in iguana equariums.
sorry that you guys have to deal with me right now. i wish that i could just curl up and sleep till the sun came back. y'all are great. thanks. hasta...

shoebox philosophy

i've been kind of philisofical today. not for any real reason that i can see, just am. it always surprises me when i tone down the energy, step back and look at things. i think that it's the rain. if it were sunny then i'd be out goofing off, but the grey clouds and wet everything make you think. probably cause i fell out of like(more like slid, kind of like sliding into first, but out of love instead. does that make sense?) how do things stablitize so much as you get older? do they even? it seems like it woul have to, but everyone says stuff like that to you from the age of 4 on, and i can't see that it has really. if anything life has become less stable as i spend more time trudging through its goopy goop. adolecence is a very unique time if life. biologically you're at a point of chemical chaos and major formation of mind, body and sould. yet it's at this time that not just learning becomes intense, but decisions aswell. you form your personality, social bonds, and pretty much lock yourself into a road that you want to follow for the rest of your life. that's really scary when you think that one minute you can't get enough of something and the next if you never hear of it again it will be too soon. i heard the phrase once that someone was "scared to being." that's kind of how i am. i don't feel like i can really trust myself at such a formative time. i'm terrified of doing something wrong that will mess up this life and maybe after. i try so hard to be good, but i still find myself doing things that i regret and want to take back. *sigh* i need a spiritual booster shot. maybe i'll go to the temple with smiley and doug tomorrow. i can nap after school, plus at this point the scholastic enviornment is recessing to the back burner for a while. i need to talk to matthias and see about applying some places with him. it's less intimidating to apply with a friend to make sure you don't go yellow or get eaten; one of the two.

monday night fever

so my dad went to all-a-dollar and got some cheapo styrofoam planes and we flew them. as the lesson we talked about refrences to flying and planes, etc in the scriptures. we went down to the tanner building at the byu and flew them there, listening to "saturday night fever" because we couldn't decide on a radio station. every time i hear that fantasia re-vamped song i think of the devil from the cartoon in disco pants, and all his little demons have afros. then we came home and had strawberry pie.
i think that it's funny; i'm constantly finding more and more little ways that i'm like my extended family. por ejemplo: i found out today that my grandmother wrote an editorial column for the local newspaper. just the job i was thinking of doing. weird huh? or how my aunt was the shortest in the family, but no one ever bothered her because eileen had a way of making you sorry, despite being vertically challenged. anyway, it makes me laugh. and i seroiusly need to do my homework. that weould really stink if i failed school three weeks from summer.

happy mommy day!

normally i would not be on today, but i wanted to wait until after we called my sister to write her a letter. so now i'm on. but only for a minute, as i must hurredly depart. anyway, talking to nancy was a party. being a missionary would be the coolest ever. that's all i have to say.
strawberries are in season in cali!! we bought a billion and are probably jammin' for fhe tommorrow night! :) mmmm, yummy, red, sticky happiness!

nobody's fault

we just called my brother. it's mothers' day there (about 7:30 am) and it was the best time to call. it took forever to make a connection; the number he gave us was 1 off. the city code was 720 and not 702 or something like that. anyway, there weren't enough phones in the house for everyone to be on, so i gave mine to jason. somebody'd give it back when there was time for me to talk. the thing was that, umm, we only had a little more than 1/2 hour to talk, and after everyone that wanted to had talked, and when my dad handed me the phone, the time was up and everyone was hanging up. i heard nathan say goodbye and hang up. he didn't hear me. i know that it wasn't anyone's fault and nobody even thought about it, but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. I Miss Nathan SO MUCH. we call nancy tommorrow.

para que grabe...

i should do some in depth psyco-analysis on mi mismo. 350+ bubbles today and i have a tape recording stuck in my head of "pon el caset en la grabadora para que grabe. no hables haste que oigas el tono *beep*" this is worse than the most obnoxious song ever. it's almost as bad as having the entire first section of a listening section from spanish 2, including the intro, stuck in my head during an english test. "unidad 1, etapa 3; A: enrique y ricardo estan hablando en...(it goes on for about 10 more seconds)" that was bad.
i think that i did okay on my test. i guess that i'll see come july. until then i'll go my merry way and try not to worry. hey, now that it's over i can be semi-pecimistic. even if i failed it(i REALLY hope i didn't), i have 8 credits of concurrent enrollment. i'd just be 4 less than i would have gotten with the test. if i get a good scholarship, i won't even notice the difference. :) i'm just glad it's over and all of the worry in the world won't change how i did. i'll forget about it in a little while, just wait and see.

no soy bastante vieja para morir!

tomo el examen espanol A.P. manana. he estado pensando en espanol desde la clase hoy. no puedo enfocar me en nada. ahora tengo..casi exactemente 12 horas hasta el examen cuando morire. ESTOY UN POCO PREOCUPADA!! he gastado un ano y mucho dinero para tomarlo manana. creo que solamente preston sabe un poquito de como me siento. me digo no preocuparme, pero me decubre tocando mi pelo nerviosamente. me siento un poco enferma. me voy a ver Looney Tunes con subtitulos espanoles. ora para mi. pray for me

wet hair and prom

it always surprises me to re-discover that me hair sorta curls when it's wet. but anyway.... my day's been okay. except that a confusing nowegian frenchie is out for my blood. i'm afraid. i had to run for my life. i didn't even do anything. all that i said was that she spoke english like she spoke whatever other language that she spoke before, so for a second i couldn't tell what language she was speaking. i know that i speak spanish like i do english; it's not an insult. i was just interested is all. and now i have a price on my head. in other news, i got a three on the practice ap test i took! hopefully i'll do well on the real thing. the same goes for my science final too. i have homework in three of my classes that i probably should do, but i don't want to at the moment. that's one of the drawbacks of being a persuasive speaker. i can talk myself out of what i should do.
prom's tomorrow. that's wierd. i think that we're... going rock climbing? i'm not sure. i'm excited to be a girl though. it's been so long since i've been dolled up. :)

....okay bye!

el espaganol

todos estan hablando en frances entonces estoy hablando en espanol para frustrar ellos. ademas solamente hay una semana hasta el examen espanol del diablo. me asusta. pero tengo que ir hasta luego mis compas!

any journalists out there?

i have an assignment to talk to three people in occupation fields that i have interest in. interested anyone? feel free to comment aswell if you happen to be involved in photography, linguistics, chemistry, psycology, or maybe teaching. but moving on...
the new artemis fowl book is out!! se llama : the opal incident. fabulously done just like the other three and pretty much anything else by eoin colfer.
my day today, for all those out there listening, went a little bit like this: wake up, go to class, testing, more class and testing, go to lunch, even more class and then home where i am comfortably talking to myself as i write an obscure blog. i have an AP spanish test the 4th, aswell as a chemistry test that i will miss and then need to take after school the same day. any advice for staying sane is welcome. but right now, i'm gonna take a nap and reflect in the luxury that for one of the few times this year, i haveno homework. :)